Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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