I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
