Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
drinking out of a sandbucket again
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Ladies don't puke and tell
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
