You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
