I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
