My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The adults are the big ones right?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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