thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
