weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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