If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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