you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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