and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need to calm my uterus...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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