I heard we made out
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
