Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
third nipple confirmed
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
its liver damage thursday
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