Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
