True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He? As in you personified your dick?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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