You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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