I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
