I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
