as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
