im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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