I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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