Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
