i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
