when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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