im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
