you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
