my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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