do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
