Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
