Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
