Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
