I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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