we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
