I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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