You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
