...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
