who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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