he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
