i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
