we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
