Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
