I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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