Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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