My sheets look like a crime scene.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
