Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
