If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
