I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need to align my fucking chakras
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
