im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
