the condom got lost in my hair
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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