I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
