New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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