we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Im part way to drunk.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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