I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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